This is a Baby Malibu Barbie stan account
I'm sorry to report, Azealia Banks trolling Nicki Minaj with voodoo is one of the greatest pranks of all time.
Well, morning for you. But I am currently writing this introduction to you from deep within the bowels of the Prada store on Broadway. How the hell did I end up spending my Thursday evening on a beech wood riser surrounded by people wearing very pricey nylon garb? Great question. I will admit I got mildly bamboozled, but I only have myself to blame as I did not properly read the invitation due to the excitement caused by the brand name attached. Plus, as any fashion person will tell you, when a big brand you fuck with invites you to something, no matter how small or unrelated to anything you do, you GO. Because the general industry conspiracy theory is that by getting your name checked off the list and appeasing the KCD gods, you will encourage them to invite you to something slightly swankier next time.
So anyway, thanks to Prada, I’ve now learned a hell of a lot about wood as a sustainable architectural resource and how tree farming could mitigate global warming from experts dressed in some of the most gorgeous leather jackets I’ve ever laid eyes on. I also learned that green screen technology works because it plays off a certain green blindness humans developed in order to be able to see through foliage! All genuinely very interesting if a touch over my head at times, but it was nice to feel like a student again. Although the Q&A portion of the evening also reminded me of the worst aspects of being in school again — people who use that time to flex their intellectual prowess for the crowd under the guise of a genuine inquiry. I wish I was making this up, but someone in this audience tonight quoted Vitruvius to everyone in order to ask a question about gendering trees………..and then the next lady to ask a question doubled-down by giving us all an unprompted Latin lesson on the origins of some words before launching into her own completely unrelated question. Sometimes you really get where that whole coastal elite stereotype comes from.
This week, after months of opining on the topic and torturing you all with my lamentations, I finally put my pen to paper and itemized exactly why our unflagging coverage of Marilyn Monroe seriously gets on my nerves for The Cut. I would deeply appreciate if you would go check that out. But also, it really is as simple as the headline states: Let her rest.
And before we get into everything, the Mess Discord server is officially live and already thee place to see and be seen!!!! Paid subs got a head start on getting in there and getting the conversation rolling and I don’t know about them, but I am already having a very good time. Just imagine how much more fun it would be if YOU were there! So please go join! It’s free, it’s fun, and maybe if I see enough of you over there I’ll share a pic of the two cloth Prada cocktail napkins I “““borrowed””” from that event and am semi-seriously considering selling on Grailed.
Time for a deep dive!
This is just one of the wildest brand rollout plans I’ve seen in a minute. For those who missed it, Queer Eye co-stars Antoni Porowski and Jonathan Van Ness decided that a good way to launch their pet food “toppers and mix-ins” brand would be to pretend like they’re going to announce they’re in a relationship and then bait and switch their fans with a *business* partnership…..I know they’ve been doing this will-they, won’t-they shtick for 1000 years, but why did no one at no point say, hey, perhaps queer queerbaiting your audience is not the cutest look? It’s really the staged “whoops!” of it all for me. Sorry that you were confused, huntys! Honestly, at this stage in late capitalism, I really don’t need celebs doing this level of disingenuous song and dance for my sake. We all know that every famous person at this level is just in it for the cash grab every time they put their name on a product or plug something on Instagram. Which is why I feel like fans find this level of poorly conceived publicity stunt to be particularly grating and insulting to our intelligence. I mean, it took all of Twitter maybe 30 mins to figure out what these two were up to when they first posted their fake dating teaser. Also, you should really join our discord if only to see a gorgeously photoshopped image created by a fellow Mess reader of what these two’s announcement should’ve been .
Fashion week has finally come to a close here in NYC, and the whole endeavor was completely worth it as it all led up to this perfect image being captured. I am obsessed. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve looked over these talls and smalls height differentials and quietly chuckled to myself. This is that picture of the Big Little Lies cast where they photoshopped Reese Witherspoon and Zoë Kravitz to be extremely small all over again. To be fair, they did a HUGE disservice by putting Lila Moss who is 5’6” (!!!!!) next to Karlie Kloss who is 6’2” (shoutout to my fellow giant). And Lila is wearing platforms in this picture! I actually did not know how tall Lila is until this moment and I’m flabbergasted that they’re still trying to make this girl a model. Her mother was an exception to the rule, not the abolishment of it. What I really can’t wrap my head around though it the giant chasm that has opened between the heads of Emily Ratajkowski (5’7”) and Shalom Harlow (5’11”). If you’re wondering why todays supermodels aren’t hitting the same, I’m starting to have some theories…..also I’m not sure how Lara Stone got in the smalls lineup because she is 5’10”. I love every optical illusion happening here.
But believe it or not, that wasn’t even my favorite image to come out of fashion week! That honor goes to this absolutely iconic and perfect photograph of Ekin-su and Davide, the winners of this season of Love Island, meeting Real Housewives of New Jersey’s Teresa Giudice. This is the crossover event of the season I never knew I so desperately needed. I have no idea how Theresa ended up at the launch of Ekin’s Oh Polly collection (lol), but I am so happy she did. Almost as happy as Davide filming his girlfriend stomp down the catwalk. The fact that I was not invited to be in this room to witness it all transpire in person is downright criminal.
And don’t worry! Everything’s actually going exactly according to plan! You see, Kourtney wanted you to be mad about her new position as Boohoo sustainability captain, or whatever the hell they’re calling it these days. It’s called PR, babe, look it up! It’s called strategy! This response to me is classic Kris spin factory. People always talk about her like she’s some PR maven, but the truth of the matter is that family’s tactics have always boiled down to the same two tricks: 1. Silent shamelessness in the face of controversy. 2. Promoting a narrative that they’re actually playing tabloid chess, while the rest of us are playing checkers. That’s not to say that they aren’t fame savvy, especially compared to your standard celeb. But their savviest trick is promoting this mythology that they’re some family of meta operators, producing everything behind-the-scenes.
Like I’m sure it was completely intentional that Kourtney’s Boohoo runway show — yet another aspect of this partnership that I would argue is not exactly “sustainable” — had no lights and no music so that no one could see any of the clothing. Get it? It was all a huge commentary on consumption! It’s an immersive art experience about the horrors of global warming and our delicate electrical grids! Open your minds, people!!!!
And after peddling her own plastic apparel, Kourtney and Travis headed over to Tommy Hilfiger’s latest star-studded fashion week event that never seems to entail any actual fashions. I only include this to say that if this public appearance was the full culmination of Kris’s summer spent wheeling and dealing on Tommy’s yacht, then I’ll be damned. I maintain that this feels like the Kardashians just laying the groundwork for someone in that family to do a Gigi style brand fusion. Perhaps Kourtney is just honing her design chops over at Boohoo before launching “The Kravis Collection by Tommy.”
Lisa Rinna was also in attendance and I simply cannot get over this silhouette. Haunting. It gives me big troll under the bridge energy and I can’t explain it. Perhaps it’s the Pharrell mountain hat atop her head, I don’t know. I’m also loving the way the pants are exploding out of the top of those boots like bloomers. And there’s something a little ostrich-y a foot here, as well.
I’m so torn about these botulism ads. On the one hand, I don’t think celebs should be allowed to take money by shilling medical services. This is a particularly American dystopia that we think having medication we don’t need and can’t afford constantly advertised to us is normal. But on the other, I LOVE everything about these ads. I love the legal disclosures, I love how nonsensical the brand integration is, and I love the fact that they just have to admit for once that they are in fact trying to freeze their face with injectables. The Joe Jonas video was obviously the pinnacle of this spon con art form, but Julia Fox is a close second.
And given that it’s fashion week, as you can imagine, Julia was as ubiquitous as Christine Quinn in the streets of NYC. And as happens anytime Julia subjects us to a litany of experimental ensembles, a couple of genuinely good, interesting things came out of it. While the motomami look on the right might be a little Danzig for some, I think there’s something very cool about contrasting it with the pop of bright white briefs, no top, and messy hair. And I’m sorry, but I absolutely love whatever is going on with this frostbite drip on the left. I mean, I love it literally exclusively in this single image that was taken and from no other angle, but really isn’t that all you need? I’ve even started to think that there might be something too the Mr. Freeze bodice and attaching an icicle hanger to the train of your dress. Why not be your own lady-in-waiting?!
And, of course, there were also plenty of not so great outfits. While the silver bar censor top is a nice return to form for the reigning queen of micro bra tops, the velvet pants with their own built-in parachute don’t do much for me. And I think the faux-pierced shrink wrap mini is a valiant effort at avant garde scandalous, but it reads a little too victim of Dexter Morgan / Laura Palmer for comfort. However, Halloween is right around the corner!
And Delilah Belle Hamlin is also having…..an interesting one. I was first reminded to check in on the Hamlin girls thanks to this photo on the left of these two mistresses of darkness. And at this point in Amelia’s bleached brow journey, I’m starting to get a little concerned that they’re never going to grow back again. I was then treated to this image of Delilah at the Revolve party doing her best to capture the ingeniousness of Bella’s lacy bra-corset combo we discussed in Sloppy Seconds two weeks ago, but missing the mark entirely. The triangle is triangle-ing way too far above the tube top line. It has to be just a hint, and I think the bra should also be super contrasty to the shirt in order to better create the illusion of happenstance. And finally, #1 Mess evangelist and my old boss Alex subjected me to this final image of Delilah’s father Harry Hamlin clutching her in a very tight embrace at a fashion show for some unknown reason. A photo I do not know what to make of and I’m not sure I want to know.
Given his prowess modeling Cartier on the red carpet, it should come as no surprise that Timmy Chalamet became the first man to land a solo cover of British Vogue and the results were extremely mid! I feel like you can tell Steven Meisel shot this cover because it is permed-out early 90s beauty campaign to the max. This shoot has also been garnering a whole lot of comparisons, my favorites being Marcia Clark and Shane from The L Word, which when you look at that pic on the right could not be more accurate. But personally, the cover is also giving me a touch of Alice from Dilbert (a cartoon character that I just now realized I’ve been conflating with Cathy my whole life).
And I’m not loving the way Timmy’s red carpet halter top is already trickling down to the masses, namely one James Charles who is somehow out here getting private tours of the Louvre despite the fact that he quite literally belongs in prison?
Kylie also debuted a new cover this week for CR Fashion Book and I can’t say I love this tiered Lip Kit halter top. I get that the intention was a touch of camp, but whenever these girls’ brands are involved it can’t help but come off as a shameless plug. That said, I love the open-mouthed, glassy-eyed expression and I think these two inside shots are actually gorgeous. My one micro suggestion is that I wish Kylie’s face had been a little more turned away to match the direction of the wig heads, but overall a stellar concept. Same with projecting tabloid stories onto her. As always, this family is at its best when they engage with the metatextual narrative surrounding them whether they understand that’s what they’re doing or not.
You know, twitter is always talking about how a Victorian child would drop dead if they were to bear witness to whatever the latest modern horror is in the news cycle, but here’s the thing, the Victorians were freaks. They’d probably love it. What we should really change that hypothetical to is: What would medieval peasants think of Kim K’s armored thirst trap? Anyway, I’m extremely pleased that, after a full year of spandex, Balenciaga finally got her into these things. Now let’s just hope they somehow convince her to actually walk around outside in them one day. The clink-clank they’ll make as she flipper walks towards the paparazzi is all the serotonin I’ll ever need.
Now, I know we’ve addressed this before, but why is Sydney Sweeney’s stylist punishing her so? The bustle at the Emmys felt particularly egregious. As I mentioned in Sloppy Seconds this week, Sydney suffers from the same affliction as Maude Apatow which is that the people dressing them are hell-bent on making them look 40 in the prime of their life. Making this young starlet look like she’s smuggling a centaur’s hind end into an award show is not the way to go. I’m also very confused about the decision to wear this vintage Versace dress backwards. If anyone can find the original version on the runway I will be forever indebted because I assume this bra top element was not there originally which means they had to install it custom for her and not only is it still ugly but it also does her cleavage no justice. At that point, why not just wear the dress the way Gianni intended. As for the final look at the Tory Burch show, it’s cute enough if a little baby girl in a way that creeps me out. But why oh why did this need a choker. At the very least this lady needs to decide if she’s going to dress Sydney like she’s 13 or 53.
It seems that not only is culotte hour fully upon us, but we are now pairing these voluminous shorts with knee-high boots to match. I personally find this to be a nightmarish profusion of thigh fabric transitioning into a peg leg and a trend built exclusively for those with a single-digit BMI. But that said, as someone on Twitter pointed out it is a classic silhouette. And you can’t argue with that.
Look at the trends Bella hath wrought. A couple weeks after the model swaddled her calves in knitwear, now they’re all doing leg warmers! Kourtney also recently sported a pair, but for some reason Megan’s struck me as particularly wild. I guess these outfits were for Beyoncé’s roller disco birthday party and clearly Megan took the dress code very seriously dressing as an actual disco ball. Also, did anyone else feel like the guest list for that party was bizarrely long and wide-ranging? Just saying, a little D-list for our queen! Anyway, at first, I thought they were made out of latex which kind of makes sense, but the fact that they’re just cotton boggles my mind. As does the fact that she chose to wear them over very thick, very shimmery, dancer hosiery that looks like it was borrowed straight from the Queen Bey tour collection.
But most importantly, after months of my pleading with the gods of sheer illusion paneling, we have some actually novel necklines going on!!! Of course, Rick Owens is responsible for giving us the brutalist bust architecture on Kim and Heidi, while Valentino is behind Zendaya’s U-turn décolletage. I’m just thrilled that designers are starting to think about how to defy the laws of gravity without the use of flesh-tone mesh.
Likewise, Doja Cat also debuted a neckline that was truly a feat of engineering. But while I appreciate any garment that explores all new ways to occupy space, I did not love this look. The shoulders read a little Tex Avery wolf to me and, in my opinion, this Viktor & Rolf collection was just doing a bad Balenciaga fall 2016 impression. I’m also never sure what celebs are trying to achieve by incorporating anarchy symbols into stuff like this…..does that symbol even mean anything to anyone anymore? To me it’s become like the concept of punk, just another aesthetic cue voided by capitalism. A shell of a former ideology that is now used to give anodyne apparel an “edge.”
Oh, would you look at that. Katie Holmes in a hooded dress at Tom Ford looking like a very chic dementor!
And Grace Jones doing the best trompe l’oeil dressing I’ve seen to date. This is that same Jean Paul Gaultier dress previously worn by Marlow from Real Housewives of Atlanta that prompted me to ask if these were being sold in an assortment of skin tones and clearly the answer is YES. I wish more women would embrace the nude illusion of a look like this. And I don’t even care that all of this was just to promote a candle if it means we get a masterclass in outré outrage dressing.
Well, I hate to cut this party short, but like Addison Rae’s latest slogan garment, it’s time for me to go do whatever I want.
May all of your weekends be as filled with as much joy as Henry Winkler discovering he’s a DILF. Until next week, see you on the discord!
That’s all, folks!. Considering you’re still here with me reading this right now, I’m going to venture a guess that you’ve taken at least mild delight in the horrors you’ve witnessed here today. Since you can’t seem to get enough of this weekly assortment of celebrity sartorial shenanigans, I’m sure you can think of at least five more malarky lovers in your inner circle who would be equally intrigued by this unappetizing proposition. So why not sign them all up for a subscription today and then if you’re feeling in a beneficent type of way, then why not go ahead and gift everyone you know a paid sub and a tasteful assortment of MESS MERCH to go with it. And everyone reading this can hop in ~ the discord ~ where we will continue this chat all week long.
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Yes, chef! I’m outta here!