LaMDA Vogue cover when?
What treasured historical artifact will Kim's butt destroy this week?
I just got back from the zen headquarters of NYC aka the Muji store on Fifth Avenue, and wow. What a heavily-organized oasis in the midst of the hustle and the bustle of it all. The perfect place to pretend you live a wildly more austere life than you actually do. I of course immediately bought a bunch of random trinkets because that is what one does inside the Muji store, including the finest sharpie-esque marker I’ve ever known, a thicc pad of note paper, and a threateningly minimalist vegetable peeler because sure, why not. I also got some sort of red bean spread and a yuzu drink that I cannot recommend more highly. In fact, I am currently plotting on how to infuse yuzu into everything I consume this summer.
I also officially started up the Mess TikTok account again in earnest. I don’t know what took me so long, but it’s like I’ve synthesized the millions of TikToks I’ve consumed over the years and have finally wrapped my head around how to translate what I do here and on Twitter into that medium in a way that doesn’t make me totally cringe at the performativity of it all. So, anyway, in celebration of Camila Morrone’s 25th birthday yesterday, I made her this little present which I hope you will also enjoy:
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Please go be my friend over on that platform as well as on every other social media platform so you can explain to me all the ways I’ve been using them wrong.
This is also an OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT that I have launched a Mess x Love Island discussion thread because I am desperate to talk about this dumb-as-rocks show and the little manipulative twerp that is Davide with anybody and everybody and my IRL friends have yet to succumb to the siren song of the villa. So please allow me to pull you all for a chat via that forum.
Finally, in this week’s Sloppy Seconds we talked about Martha Stewart’s short-sleeved puffer collection, Madonna’s thumb-sucking dilemma, and the most forgettable red carpet in MTV history. If any or all of that sounds like it might strike your fancy, go ahead and sign up for a paid subscription today so you can receive double the weekly dose of crazed celebrity rants. What more could you ask for really!
It’s about that time I suppose.
Nothing against Ana, but we simply must leave this woman alone. Have we as a society not already subjected Marilyn to enough? Now we’ve got reality stars turning her dresses into tatters and movie stars still attempting to do their best impression of an artificial character that has already been cosplayed to oblivion. Like could we at least update the reference a little and start obsessively making biopics and rifling through the old belongings of the Millennials’ Marilyn, Anna Nicole Smith? Every time we do this ritualistic song and dance around old Hollywood and dredge up Marilyn’s memory, I can’t help but feel like this is exactly her personal version of hell. Like this is the very treatment and legacy she wanted to escape, and now here she is being preserved in the amber of this artificial hyper-femme persona she created and held under the media’s microscope for the rest of time. Let the lady rest. Let’s all get weird about Britney Murphy or something now.
We also got our first glimpse at Ken from the Greta Gerwig Barbie movie, much to the great consternation of the entire internet. I think Ryan looks…fine. Also part of me thinks that they’re just going to release a single still image from this film every three months for the next thirty years and we’re never actually going to get a final project, but that’s a conspiracy for another time. I think Ken’s hair is a little too platinum and not exactly full, or helmet-y enough, but more importantly I want him to get out of the way so I can get a gander at this Malibu Dream House™. Also, I understand wanting to cast Gosling as he’s been the internet’s boyfriend for the last decade, but I just have to point out that he is 41 years old, which in Barbie years is one foot in the grave-level geriatric. I feel like in an alternate universe where he didn’t get the Elvis movie this role would’ve been yet another Austin Butler vehicle.
When are we going to stop letting scammers scam us? My faith in the NFT market was already shaky, to put it generously, and that was before this week when Anna Delvey decided to dip her toe in the non-fungible pond. Honestly, I can’t even fault her because this is what she does and she’s damn good at it, I’m just always struck by what easy marks we all are. I am charmed, however, that for once we have a high-profile female swindler who’s getting the male swindler treatment, being given infinite opportunities to grift again and gift even bigger this time.
Le sigh. So now we’ve gone from Dolce & Gabbana scrounging up the money to buy out the Kardashians to sponsoring an Elle magazine event with Doja….where is all this money coming from exactly? Fragrance? Licensing deals? There’s no way it’s from the actual clothing. I just don’t understand why everyone continues to sanction this return when there’s absolutely no need for it. They’re not even designing outfits that would vaguely tempt you to reconsider their abhorrent nature. Also, I would just like to point out that they famously said some exceedingly nasty things about gay families and IVF and it is Pride month, so perhaps not the best time to announce your full-throated endorsement of the brand. When I expressed this sentiment on Twitter, there was some interesting pushback from those who say D&G have already apologized for those statements long ago (2015) and that people can change…….except that Stefano has spent every year since then being one of the most prolific and unapologetic trolls of the modern era and has made it pretty damn clear that any apology the public does receive from him is about improving their brand’s bottom line not an actual rebuke of their bigoted, racist opinions. Why is this so hard for us to wrap our heads around.
And D&G’s second bought-and-paid-for newlyweds are back to their old Angie and Billy Bob tricks again. While MGK’s Halloween office party earrings are bad enough, what’s worse is how the media covered them, suggesting that Megan Fox’s blood could actually be inside when OBVIOUSLY that is not the case. Please stop encouraging these new age goths and their blood rituals.
As for the OG D&G spokescouple, they’ve found a whole new way to shill out their love, modeling for these “sexy” vegan chicken ads. I’m so confused by the Kravis endorsement machine. Can two multi-millionaires really be this hard up for the money? This is exactly what I mean by the KarJenners’ own avarice ultimately being their downfall because they never think in terms of brand image only $$$ and eventually these types of short-sighted cash grabs will start to test the patience of even their most loyal fans, especially when there’s nothing else they actually produce as famous people except more spon con.
Kim’s outfits continue to fail to move me, but I just wanted to highlight this couple’s pic she posted that is a real foot fetishist’s delight. Just a smorgasbord of photoshopped toes. As I said on Twitter, the intensity of the interest around feet when you are a famous person would make me never show my feet in public again….at least, not for free. Honestly, I’m a little shocked that Kim hasn’t made the OnlyFans pivot or launched her own rival version of the site because that seems like a HUGE, easy check. And it’s not like she even has to post actual pornography (although that would be an iconic way to reclaim power over the sex tape), she could just share the type of sexy selfies that her Instagram and book Selfish are already full of and then post the occasional cheeky snap like this one and those who know, will know. Just saying, why foist skincare products on the masses in an already oversaturated market when you could just post feet once a month to the tune of a cool couple mill.
I feel like I’ve asked this before, but am I the only one who feels like Pete is becoming more un-sexily unrecognizable by the day…I can feel Kim’s hand at work here, giving Pete a touch of the treatment Kanye gave her and molding him in her own image. But it seems like every move only serves to suck the BDE life force out of him. Whatever it was that captured the public’s imagination when he first got with Ariana is the antithesis of whatever’s going on here.
And if you’re wondering what the next branded life event coming down the pipeline is for the Kardashians, fear not because momager Kris is already on the case, wheeling and dealing during her latest yacht vacation with Tommy Hilfiger and his wife. Tommy is the king of meaningless influencer capsule collections so I can only assume Kendall’s grand, post-Pacsun foray into fashion design, à la Gigi before her, is imminent.
And I know we’ve been clocking it for a minute, but I just can’t get over the fact that the butts are really long gone! The deflation process is complete! I keep trying to guess what bizarro body fixation they’re going to come up with next, and I’m leaning towards impossibly tiny, organ-crunching, corseted waists, but please tell me if you’ve come up with any theories of your own!
Kylie, interestingly enough, seems to be sticking to the family’s old body proportions thus far. Although, I suppose we’ll see if that sticks as she continues to emerge from her post-partum hibernation. For now, she’s just trying to keep up by doing some light modeling in the new season of Mugler and these leg warmer clown shoes. You know, actually, what if their family’s new dysmorphic trend is double-long feet so everybody’ll have to tromp around Calabasas in high-heeled flippers……now there’s some food for thought!
Props where props are due: this is one of Kendall’s best covers. Now tell me if I’m wrong, but I still feel like even though everything here is technically correct, there’s a certain verve missing—a fraction more intensity in the face, a tensing of the jaw, that would carry this to a whole new echelon of fierce. And, as I’ve said before, as a society we are simply drowning in black catsuits. We’ve gotta come up with something new for the girls to obsess over.
As with the catsuits, I also feel that we’ve fully lost our lucite privileges. When they trickled down from the strip club to Yeezy to Fashion Nova, celebs already should’ve called it quits, but the way they get paired with anything and everything these days as though they’re just a plain black pump to me is just the laziest of styling moves. Anyway, I can’t think about this too long otherwise I’m going to start spiraling out over the fact that these gals are supposedly fashion icons and these are the street style pics future generations are going to pin to whatever the 2075 version of a Pinterest board is….I fear for the fashions of tomorrow.
Hailey also launched her skincare line this week, because all famous people are now allotted one beauty, one skin, and one fashion line upon reaching a certain level of notoriety. And this photo just made me wonder, how far off the inflection point of glazed donut skin fatigue is? Will we always want to look this damp forever? Honestly, as a profoundly sweaty person, this whole trend has been a great boon to my life, but I do wonder if we’re going to swing back to super dry, matte everything. Or if, as we continue to sink into the bowels of climate change hell, looking hydrated and clammy all the time will become the ultimate .1% flex.
Because of the skincare launch, Hailey has also been bopping all over town in ten million different outfits this week. And while most of them were pretty unremarkable attempts at becoming the 21st century Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy, I found this blazer-platform combo to be very compelling. First of all, the shoes throw Hailey’s body into true model proportions, she looks genuinely tall for maybe the first time ever. And also, this seems like a logical next evolution from Hollywood’s lucite obsession to just go full stripper heel. The threat of the ankle-breaking height combined with the mere whisper of a strap tethering her foot to the platform also adds a certain precarious thrill to the whole thing that is much needed in Hailey’s every day repertoire.
And I can’t believe that what started out as a joke has finally come to fruition. I’m sorry for what I hath wrought, but we’re actually doing this double-wide hip thing, people! This is not a drill! We’re creating cartoonish hourglass proportions and tacking a bustle on to either side of our bodies. The pannier revolution has taken to the streets! You’ve been warned.
Likewise, I told you lady ties were on the rise. And clearly, Jessica Chastain did not heed my singular warning about partaking in this trend which was just to make sure you’re actually cool enough to be wearing one…
And Halsey also gave me a bit of a fright this week when she momentarily made be believe that we’ve formally entered the skirt over pants phase of this terrible aughts revival. But it turns out this is just a vintage pair of Dior Spring 2006 “leather and lace” slacks that have some ripped up fish net photo-printed on top, which I’m not sure is all that much better but at least has spared us the pain of that particular low-rise combo for another day.
Emily Carmichael might be a genius. Everything about this look has gone so wrong I’m starting to think it might be right again…..What I will say is I respect someone willing to break every common sense rule of dressing to fully and unapologetically do their own thing. And while yes, this is yet another catsuit, at least it isn’t black and looks like it would be right at home in a Carnival parade. From a quick Google search I also see that she’s been inexplicably wearing gymnast unitards to red carpets for years now — respect. And while I don’t typically recommend a monk strap shoe on anybody, let alone when juxtaposed with this much ankle and a Drag Race onesie, I have to admit this combo is so startling I haven’t stopped thinking about it all week. We might have a new Mess Queen in our midst.
And this picture just reminded me that we need more Judith Light on every single red carpet. In fact, let’s just go ahead and give her and Jane Fonda all the fashion campaigns too while we’re at it.
And believe it or not, I feel inspired for once! Joel Kim Booster has done what no man has managed to do thus far in the history of Mess and that is make a suit both exciting and sexy in a totally original way. I love everything about this top and I want to see more of this adult store-adjacent dressing infiltrate the male sartorial agenda. As women continue to push the boundaries of nudity and scandalous attire on the red carpet, I think it’s only right that men do their best to keep up by, at the very least, getting their torsos out there in creative ways. I told you we were moving full steam ahead into a nipple-sance!
Idris Elba should really take some tips from Joel if he wants to retain that Sexiest Man Alive title because this baby blue suit is not cutting it. That said, I am obsessed with high-end designers attaching tiny, little fancy cargo pockets on to nice pants. They always look so insane, like all attempts to clean up this design detail and give it a crisp, streamlined appearance only serves to highlight it’s lack of sloppiness and how wildly out of place it is on a suit trouser.
Speaking of tiny, pointless things: This is Pilaf and I will protect him with my life.
And now’s the moment I confess to you that much like Hailee Steinfeld and this sidewalk, we are also terrifyingly close to the end.
I hate to say goodbye, but I also need all the time I can get to make myself look presentable for the general public.
So, see ya around!
And voila! After years spent adrift on a sea of bad taste, you’ve finally made it to solid fashion footing yet again. While the journey was harrowing, for those who have established their sea legs and feel there are even more young buccaneers out there who might want to join our motley crew, please sign them up for a subscription today. And if you’re feeling like Blackbeard after finding a chest full of sunken treasure, then why not go ahead and spread the wealth by gifting your First Mate a paid sub and then buying them an assortment of MESS MERCH today.
This weekly roundup of the FBI’s Most Wanted fashion criminals has been slid under your digital doorstep yet again all thanks to your indefatigable hunt for the worst of the worst apparel offenders. But the individuals truly deserving of all of our thanks and admiration are those CIA-level individuals known as the OG Mess Masters. For just $5 a month, this off-the-grid squadron of style super sleuths receive the full dossier of crimes against couture. So, if you’re finally ready to ditch your old civilian identity and join The Company, please become a paid subscriber today. Or, if you can’t afford the $5, ask me about getting a comped sub or leave a little tip on my Venmo at your leisure. And don’t forget that if you send over a screenshot of your donation to an abortion fund or any gun violence prevention group, your next month of Mess is on me.
Happy Pride to all my She-Hulks out there!